So things at work have been getting a little out of hand recently. I know that certain people are trying to force me out and are doing everything they can to paint me as a horrible person and all-around bad employee. I've gotten angry at times, I've taken potshots at others. I've whined, moaned, and complained about it enough to make all y'all sick. Granted, it is a hard thing working in a place where you are not valued and you are constantly being set up for failure by a manipulative liar whose greatest ambition is to see you fired, but that's no reason for me to take any retaliation.
I admit I have plotted, schemed, and planned ways to turn the tables in my present situation. I was actually going to take action today and do unto others the same slimy underhanded things they do to me. I have the opportunity to mess with the person who messes with me, but I decided not to take it.
In the early days of the church the saints had many horrible things done to them. I don't think having a petty insignificant supervisor make things a little hard for you while you continue to cash a steady paycheck can compare in any way with being tarred and feathered. Many times the saints wanted to seek revenge (some actually did take revenge and it turned out about as bad for the church as anything ever could) but were always counseled against it. Joseph Smith cried to the heavens for vengeance and the destruction of his enemies. I myself have wished plagues and all manner of horrible things on my oppressor. But the fact remains: the instructions the Lord gave the church was to be patient, seek legal recourse where they could, and trust in Him to give them what they need.
I have sought legal recourse with my oppressor. I have tried to call attention to the problems that plague this job through every authorized means I know, but it is all for naught. This is a state job and nobody gets fired unless they commit murder or something like unto it. I have applied to every other job in the system that I could find, but I don't think my deliverance will come that way.
Now back to the matter at hand: I have the ability and the resources at my disposal to play the same horrible mud-slinging game that is being played on me. The temptation to oppress the oppressor was unbearable. But I've been impressed by a couple things and I'd like to point them out here:
1) When I leave this horrible horrible job (and mark my words, I will leave it as soon as I am able) I want to leave it with the knowledge that even though I was mistreated in a number of ways and had every reason to seek vengeance, that I did not sink to their level. I don't want to leave this place knowing that they broke my spirit or that they brought me down to their level. It is my every intention to leave with as much dignity as I can muster.
2) This place has been as much of a trial as anything else in my life (living with horrible roommates, being single for way too long, being betrayed by friends, etc). If this is a trial, then there is obviously something I am supposed to learn here. If I ever want to get out, I have to learn what I need to learn and move on. I can't get caught up in revenge and hope to learn and grow. If The Count of Monte Cristo taught us anything (the book, not the 2002 movie which taught the exact opposite lesson of the book because some Hollywood executive wanted a happy ending) it's that revenge is never satisfying and it will ultimately consume the avenger and destroy their life. Just like it almost did for Sato in Karate Kid 2.
Anyway, the point of all this blabbering is to say that I don't want to be dragged down and end up staying here forever. I want to rise up and shake off these shackles. I don't want to be miserable for 40 hours a week for the rest of my life. I don't want to be so full of hatred that it seeps into my private life. So I'm letting a lot of that stuff go. It's a hard process and I'm not saying that I'm 100% done hating my oppressor right now as I write these words. But in choosing to not kick against the pricks, I'm taking that first step in the right direction that will eventually get me out of this place.
Anyway, this entry has been completely self-indulgent and I can't blame you if you didn't read it. I apologize for not writing sooner. I really wanted to let Megan write because you're all a lot more interested in what goes on with her job interviews than any whining or complaining I might be compelled to do. So I laid off for a while and let Megan take the wheel. Hopefully she'll get a new job soon and I'll be back trying to make mundane things sound interesting. But thanks for reading and thanks for all the thoughts and prayers on our behalf.