A Young Quarterback Waits for the Snap

Well, today something I had been fearing came true: I found out that I didn't get the job I interviewed for. When I came back from lunch today, I found two computer-generated emails waiting for me. They both said the same thing: we decided to hire someone else for that job you applied for.

Needless to say, my first instincts were to be crushed, depressed, and even a little angry. I immediately second-guessed everything I had said in the interview, especially the part where I told them they could contact my current supervisor. I imagined the sorts of things he would have told them to destroy my chances of getting the job. Remember: he did tell me once that he relishes the opportunity to give bad references to people he dislikes and there are few people he dislikes as much as me. My head was spinning as I tried to find a reason why anyone wouldn't want to give me a job. I emailed my inside contact (I've decided to keep the whole anonymity thing going here, though you probably know who I'm talking about) and asked them what they could tell me about why I didn't get the job. Did I not give a good interview? Should I have declined to let them speak to my supervisor? Was I completely unqualified?

Immediately after running every conceivable bad scenario in my head, I called Megan to break the news to her. She listened to me whine and moan, and then reassured me and promised we'd have tacos tonight (do I have a great wife or what? Seriously).

It didn't take long for my inside contact to get back to me. They told me that I interviewed well and that everyone was impressed with the diplomatic answers I gave when I could have easily trashed this job and the people I work for. The only thing that sunk me is that a couple people who have map experience interviewed after me, so I legitimately lost to people who are more qualified, which still stinks but not as much.

So my plan was to get really down and depressed today and just soak in all the badness. Maybe I would mingle some of my disdain for the boss man with my depression over not getting the job and create some sort of angry/depressed gravy that I could just drizzle over the whole day. But it didn't happen that way.

I've been listening to conference on my ipod before and after my institute classes. Today I listened to Elder Uchtdorf's talk entitled, "The Infinite Power of Hope" before class and Elder Wirthlin's talk entitled, "Come What May And Love It" after class. So I basically got a double dose of apostolic counsel on how to deal with adversity. So I figured that with those talks fresh on my mind, I couldn't choose despair over hope. Not only that, but I've chosen despair a number of times in my life because it's easy, it actually feels good at first, and it seems like a natural reaction. But choosing despair has never gotten me anything other than a super awesome picture of me with super long hair and a beard. What the hey, let's post that picture. You know you love it.


So the point is: I'm not growing a beard and long hair this time. I'm moving upward and onward right away. In a lot of ways I felt like that job I applied for was my last chance to keep working in this library system. So not getting the job may actually turn out to be a not-so-gentle prompting that this library system is not where I'm supposed to be. I can deal with that. I don't know where I'm supposed to go or what I'm supposed to do, but I'm obviously not meant to grow old and rot away in this place. So my quest will be to find what it is I'm supposed to be doing and go right on and do it.

Granted, I might not get the chance to pull myself away immediately. If I was a younger unmarried man with any amount of savings I would quit this job tomorrow (I picture some scenario involving me holding a boombox over my head blaring David Allen Coe's immortal "Take This Job and Shove It") and get started right away. But as things stand right now, Megan and I need whatever income I can get from this place. So I might be here for now, and it might take me a while to get where I'm going, but I am willing to accept the fact that I will not be a librarian for the rest of my life, and I suppose I should thank the heavens for it. So I take this from the whole rigmarole: there is something better out there for me.

Now let's take things in a slightly different direction that will bring us right back to the point I've already driven into the ground. Yesterday I got a letter from the HR department stating that they'll be taking a big ol' chunk of money out of one of my paychecks this month to pay for the Arizona taxes I forgot to pay. How did I forget to pay my Arizona taxes you ask? Well, I filed my taxes early knowing that I could use my refund to buy Megan a ring. If I paid Arizona the money they wanted from me, I wouldn't have enough to get her a ring. So I decided to pay the state of Arizona when I got the chance, and I never remembered to do it. So I get a letter telling me that they're taking their dang money and there's nothing I can do about it.

Megan and I are in hard times. We know we'll have enough to pay our mortgage and bills this month, but we have no idea how we'll pay for it next month. Not only do we not have the money for next month, I won't even be getting paid as much because of the whole "levying my wages" thing. So to say that we're flying by the seat of our pants here is a massive understatement.

Now being faced with such a situation can get a variety of responses from a married couple, but Megan and I have already decided what we're going to do: we're going to pray, we're going to fast, and we're going to pay every red cent of tithing we owe. Then we're going to pray some more.

This is obviously one of those situations where the Lord doesn't want us to be able to say, "Thanks, but I solved it on my own." I've had a few of those in my life, so I know how to recognize them when they come. Megan and I are having our faith tested, and we are dead set on passing the test. It feels a little like a commercial break for "The Dukes of Hazzard" where them Duke boys have gotten into some sticky situation and right before the break Waylon Jennings tells us, "Them Duke boys sure are in a pickle. How are they gonna get out of this one?" But we know we'll be ok. We know deliverance will come and when it does we promise not to think that we delivered ourselves.

As always, your faith and prayers on our behalf are much appreciated. Every night Megan and I thank the heavens for our family and the love and support you all give to us. So keep that up.

On an unrelated note: do any of you ever listen to the little mp3 players I put up at the top of the page? I don't want to make them autostart because sometimes it's annoying to get music when all you want is words, but I have no indication that anyone ever listens to them. So get back to me on that. You know...if you feel like it.